Red Mist Rising!

Today hasn't got off to a good start.

The first thing I did when I rolled out of bed this morning and went down stairs was checked my email.

I wish I'd switched Sky Sports news on as I normally would do!

In my inbox was a message from the college I am taking my Masters degree with. It was from the finance department. It was one of those messages that you quickly kind of pick up that the tone is not good? The person writing it said that they were 'disappointed' that I hadn't paid a balance of £36.43 towards an accommodation fee from 2010!

I have to explain that this finance department have messed up my college fees throughout my course and I have had to work hard to get them sorted. Harder than I should have.

So when I read the email at 7.30am this morning.

The red mist descended.

A rush of anger spread from the base of my abdomen through my thoracic regions, squeezed through my neck and into my head!

And I reacted!

Typing out an email in response, I banged the computer keys with my index finger until it hurt!

It's amazing how when this happens you lose all inhibitions! Your common sense screams out at you to to pull back and refrain from a reaction.

But you just ignore it and unleash the reaction.

For a moment it even feels good!

It's amazing what happens in your mind at this point.

I pictured the person who has wrote the email, even though I have never seen her, sitting with a smug smile on her face, arms folded looking all proud because she has wrote this stinging rebuke.

I heard the voice of this person in my head saying "a ha! That will teach you, you bad boy!". Or words to that effect!

All this, even though Mr Common sense was telling me "That is is just stupid! It's just an email! If you react like this to an email what happens if something really serious happens!"

I just ignored Mr Common Sense again and pressed send with a great deal of self gratification!

Blessed are the peacemakers!

Now I'm sitting in the quiet and the anger has subsided I am so disappointed with myself!

Over the last couple of years I've worked so hard to be a peacemaker.

I've worked with God to make some radical changes in my life. I haven't reacted to any human conflict for a long time and have been doing so well. I am ultra calm most of the time.

But this morning this came from absolutely nowhere.

I'm not an easily angered person and my tolerance levels are pretty substantial.

But this morning anyone watching my sheer madness would have been able to dispute that quite easily!

In the quietness, now, as the nasty emotion of anger has subsided to reveal a restored calmness, I feel other emotions vying for an entry into my heart. Guilt, disappointment, regret, remorse.

I wish I hadn't reacted like that.

And in my mind the battle is raging on. Voices speak loudly into this quietness. "All the good work you've done has been undone," or the "The old Gary is back."

But Me and God are too far down the road with our relationship to listen to that rubbish.

It's the voice of the accuser of the brothers, it's one of his cunning techniques to twist up our lives.

Hear this truth today.

God is full of mercy and loaded with grace! And it's sure and everlasting!

And choosing to believe that brings back a spiritual equilibrium.

It restores my soul.

I don't know why God wants me to share this on my blog today but I feel he wants me to share the prayer I've just prayed with you guys.

Maybe there is someone in the same boat today, someone who is struggling with a reaction or a response that maybe was out of character or that you wish you hadn't made?

Or maybe are about to make!!!

Just take a moment.

Take a step back from the battle that's raging in your head.

just step away from the battle, just for a moment.

Reflect on the scriptural truth that blessed are the peacemakers. (Matthew 5: 9)

We have a responsibility to be peacemakers. It's part of our mission?

So how can we do that with that family member who's ticked us right off this morning? That boss who has infuriated our inner senses? That friend who has let us down?

Whoever and whatever?

How can we bring peace to that situation?

I've just sent a little email to the person who was nasty to me saying sorry about the other email. This person is going to think I'm mad but hey?

Maybe this prayer I've prayed this morning may help you as it's helped me?

Maybe you could pray it too?

Lord, I'm sorry for the reaction this morning. I feel rubbish. But I want to thank you for your amazing grace and mercy that is true and real. I receive it now. I believe it now. I forgive that person who wrote that email and ask you to bless them today. As I forgive them I ask you to forgive me and I receive it gratefully right now. Lord I refuse to believe the lie that all the good work you have accomplished in my life is undone. I reject the guilt and the shame right now and ask you to restore me to a right relationship with you. I thank you that I am immediately back on track this day. As I go into the day today give me more strength to be a peacemaker. Bring me blessing and make me a blessing too.

In the name of Jesus.

Amen.