Encounter part 2 (Hot Prayer)

On my way to church this morning I nearly got obliterated.

If you've ever been to Benidorm, you will know that the road that stretches beside the full length of the beach is like a motorway for mobility scooters!

And this morning a nice shiny white,double seated, top of the range mobility scooter missed me by a fraction as it swooped onto the motor.... sorry I mean walkway.

I love Benidorm

Dawn and I were on the way to a church service we had been invited to as a result of the encounter I mentioned in my previous blog.

We had already been on a reconnaissance mission the day before to they and find the little church called "The English Church."

We walked off the scooter motorway into a labyrinth of really dirty back streets in the notorious Loix area on the eastern end of the sweeping beach which fronts the sky scraping skyline of the City of Benidorm. 

The sign was outside the church. 

"Welcome communion at 10 am."

We went into the stiflingly hot little church room that sat between two cafes that were already thronged with people having their morning coffees. 

There was about twenty people in the church.

There was a lady whacking a tune out of the piano at the front as people gathered. I think I picked out, the splendor of the King somewhere in that tune! But I couldn't be totally sure.

There was never the less a surprisingly thin atmosphere.

So thin you could really sense God massively.

I could see people from England, Belgium, Korea, South Africa that were mixed with locals including a Spanish policeman.

People were so friendly.

It was good to be there.

Then the pastor approached Dawn and I.

He held out his hand to greet us. He says, "I believe you guys are Salvation Army Ministers?" "yeah" I replied. 

And the next thing he said really made my spirit drop a notch.

"You do realize it's communion? I know Salvationists don't believe in communion, and I wouldn't want to offend you." and he added, " you can leave now if you want to?"

Wouldn't want to offend you!

Being a person who doesn't give a shabby shilling about archaic doctrinal differences, and really feel the need to not focus at all on that stuff and just focus on a needy world who need a saviour, I just said "charge up the bread and fruit juice mate, I just want to share in this with you guys today."

He kind of nodded embarrassedly, and made a quick getaway to a person coming through the doors!

As the service progresses, I began to wonder why the Lord had drawn us to this place, and why I'd felt so expectant and excited as we set out through the streets of Benidorm to find this place. 

Now I felt a bit bewildered.

I didn't catch the sermon.

But my mind kind of went to a very clear place. 

"Why have you drawn us here Lord," I felt myself asking.

I clearly heard a response. "adventure." the voice in my heart was saying.

And I have to admit it was an adventure. From someone spoofing my "Micah 6:8" tattoo in a swimming pool, to this very moment had been an adventure. And I began to see that I had followed God, even though I didn't know where it would lead me.

Why can the church so very often be too frightened to stray away from often stifling politics, systems and traditions?

I get so tired of people saying that these systems create order, without them there would be chaos.

Chaos!

Systems prevent chaos?

Is someone having a laugh?

What tradition, the bad kind of tradition, actually does is exterminate the spirit of adventure.

Instead of producing fired up chance takers, what systems, traditions, and politics do is produce robots.

Robotic Christians!

And that does not mix very well with the Spirit of God.

With God, you never know what is around the corner. The trouble is we far too often subject ourselves, or worse, let ourselves be subjected by others, to have to know what's around the corner before we go there.

Someone has a vision or even an idea, the system says, "how much will it cost? What will the outcome be?

That's not faith, that's business.

If Christianity has no adventure, it doesn't have a faith.

And that's not good, not good at all.

Is it?

Faith means we don't know what's around the corner. But faith means we have to believe there is something around the corner!

That's so exciting. It's the lifeblood of the Christian journey.

I had no idea why God would implore me to go to this little back street church this morning, no idea what was around the corner.

But it is so exciting to try and find out.

My mind snapped back into the reality of the church room, as the pastor invited us to take a slice of bread and a thimble full of some red liquid, that he assured me was fruit juice. It tasted like oven cleaner, but the point was I was sharing in something special, in something intimate with people who I had never met.

The pastor asked people to just pray when we felt like it.

The church was Hot.

Soon the prayer was hot as person after person launched into the most amazing prayer time I think i've been in for ages. The Spirit of of God was so thick now in the room I felt woozy. (And before you think it, it definitely wasn't the oven cleaner!)

The Spanish policeman got up and prayed so fervently for Benidorm, that it would be touched by God in a big way, he also prayed for the church that it would be freed from the chains of religion, which when you think about it is a pretty big prayer to pray here in Spain.

That prayer touched me deep down inside, because I really believe it's that type of fervent prayer for our cities, towns, villages, and nations that God is requiring now more than ever.

And that I think is the reason I was drawn to this place today.

I came out today sharpened and clear in my vision for my own Christian work and ministry.

POST SCRIPT

I want to share with you this tonight.

Do not be afraid to follow your spiritual dreams and visions.

If God asks you to push a door. Don't procrastinate! Push it.

That's so exciting.

The exciting part of Christianity I would say.

It's also a bit scary, it's sometimes easy, sometimes hard, it can be mundane, it can also be life enriching or Even life changing.

It's adventurous!

I declare tonight I do not want to be a robot!

Robots do the same thing day in day out!

Robotic Christians experience the same things year after year.

Don't do it!

If that's your experience of Christianity right now, that's boring isn't it?

That can change right now?

A guy at my church, a new Christian with an amazing story, well couple of stories now, is so full of adventure. On his way to work every morning Gary has seen a crippled guy struggling to walk up one of the hills that Gary travels on. The bible has totally gripped Gary. He knows that what he reads in there has changed his life forever. He also knows that action is required as a Christian. So he said to me one night, "Gaz, I can't drive by this guy anymore, Im going to stop and offer him a lift." Gary has been picking this guy up now every morning he can, for a couple of months now, and he's started sharing about God now, which I find so moving and amazing, considering when I first met Gary three years ago, his first statement to me was, "I don't believe in all that God stuff and never will." that is another story for another time maybe, but a couple of weeks ago he said to me regarding picking this guy up, "you never know where it will lead."

I think that should be the mission statement for Christianity. You don't know where it will lead. I think that because with God, he leads us to the most amazing places in life, sometimes the most bizarre places, the most amazing encounters we could ever imagine.

If we let him!

Or even dare to follow him?

The important thing is we can be adventurous in our faith because we don't know where it will lead but here's the clincher.

God does!

Has your faith or even your life, become unadventurous and encounterless?

Robotic?

If it has then change it.

Step into your dreams and visions, push doors, walk down blind alleys, turn corners that you have no idea what's around them. Don't wait for everything to be shaped by a system or for everything to be sorted first.

All those things will remain unexplored dreams and visions if you don't just follow God into them.

Who knows where it will lead.

I pray this will help someone tonight?

Massive blessings

Encounter part 1

So I got this feeling that I needed to get up off my sunbed, the one I'd just laid down on for the past five hours, and take a dip in the pool.

It was about 4pm in the afternoon and I was getting really hot due to the thirty two degree heat from the sun which ambles along in a cloudless sky.

Earlier in the day I'd taken a walk along the beachfront in Benidorm. It was packed with people. Those who've been to Benidorm will know it has seen better days. It is not a very attractive place and has been built on the back of it's main industry.

Nightlife.

Although by the look of the amount of people cramming the shabby bars and night venues drinking long golden lagers at 10 o'clock in the morning, from gangs of young people to the seventies plus generation, you just can't separate day and night anymore in Benidorm.

As I walked in the stifling heat among the dirty streets, watching with interest the comings and goings of people, God cut in.

And I realised that I was on holiday in a very needy place.

And my first encounter of the day was with God. The love of my heart.

I began to picture the need for a Saviour in this place that William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army, would have definitely viewed as a place where the darkest of souls reside.

I could feel it.

I could taste it.

I could definitely smell it.

I just sensed massive need all around.

And I started to pray.

As I was praying I pictured a house of prayer, right in the middle of this throbbing
hellhole. Those of you who know Dawn and I know we have a passion for building ministries based on prayer, but prayer is only an element of the mission that houses of prayer engage in. In our experience they become houses of, well, houses of the whatever really! Whatever need there is? Then touch it with Gods love. We have seen how HOPS can become like spiritual amoebas breathing the Spirit of God into downtrodden lives. Dawn and I have a dream to see HOPs in the needy cities and towns throughout the globe. A big dream? Yeah but Gods bigger than that dream so it can happen.

And I saw the need right here in this place.

So, back to my sun bed in my run down hotel, by a rundown tired swimming pool, and where was I? O yeah, I need to get into the pool for a cool dip, as my already over tanned skin needed it's temperature readjusting.

I get up and step into the shallow end.

Within a second, my second interesting encounter of the day occurred.

A very large (if you read this beautiful lady? I mean larger than life!) lady about seventy years of age zoomed up to me in the shallow end and poked my tattoo.

I have a tattoo (My mum hates it) on the top of my left arm and it simply reads "Micah 6:8".

So she pokes my tattoo, and says, "Are you born again?" I didn't quite catch what she said at first, so she shouts in the shallow end, "Are you born again!" again!

The people around the pool went quiet, as if waiting for my answer, so I simply said, "yes."

She asked me what Micah 6: 8 reads so I reeled out the words of the scripture.

She then went on to tell me that herself and her husband had felt the need to come to Benidorm for eight weeks to pray for the town. She said she had heard there was a big prophecy over Spain right now relating to it's dark places. She said she had based herself at a little English Evangelical Church on the seafront only a short walk from our hotel. She then invited us to come and share at communion on Friday at 10 o'clock and then pray with them for the town afterwards.

The thing is guys, there are a couple of things here. The first is I don't think the concept of holidays has hit, or ever will hit, the Kingdom of God! I think God likes us to rest, but from earthly things not Heavenly things! The second thing is I think we may have lost the value of encounter. Not only with God but with other earth dwellers through God.

We sometimes can't see past our own thoughts!

I know I suffer from that way too often.

But if we really look, everyday of our lives are full of encounters that hit us in the areas outside of our own thoughts?

It makes so much sense when God says, "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts?"

It made me remember today that God is always at work and we need to be ready for the encounters he sends our way.

Who have you guys met today? Who have you brushed close to? What about tomorrow?

I think we need to sharpen the encounter antennas that God has built in to us. Be more vigilant.

I think we need to because I don't know wether you have noticed but God is on the move on this planet. He is doing new things, he's connecting the Christians in a big way. I think he's a bit fed up of the gaps between denominations etc? I think he's just raising the warrior psalm, he's mobilising the foot soldiers, those who will march into the darkness of people's lives and rescue them.

The Holy Spirit is doing a kind of welding job. He's welding fragmented bits of Christianity into one big gloriously useful weapon.

He's doing it through encounter.

So be on the look out! Don't be surprised if people are put in your path who you have never met. Don't be shocked if you connect with them spiritually and something extremely exciting evolves from that encounter.

This is part one.

I'm going to write again on Friday after I've met with these people in the run down church in a Benidorm back street, so watch out and tune in on Friday night.

And I'm expecting God to be his astonishing self.

Bless you amazing people!

Exit

I'm writing from a fantastic veranda at my hotel in Benidorm, Spain.

It's a gorgeous balmy night that has crept up behind a gorgeous sunny day. The coloured neons of Benidorm's famous clubland Are casting vibrant greens, reds and blues across the hotels pool area, and as the night draws down and the light fades leaving dazzling red and pink streaks in the sky, I sit opposite my gorgeous wife, the absolute love of my life, sipping 100% arabica coffee with my iPad lit up on the table before me, and my mind wandering over to a kind of spiritual precipice.

In other words I feel I'm on the cusp of something big.

I haven't a clue what that is.

But I'm standing there and I am getting the drift that God is about to do something amazing in the lives of Dawn and me.

It's an amazing place to be.

When we flew into Alicante airport the other day after the smoothest flight I have ever been on in my life, we taxi'd across the Tarmac towards the terminal building and eventually came to a stop a few hundred yards from it. We waited for a while for the steps to be attached to the doorways of the plane. It seemed to take ages. Then the air hostess came over the planes sound system and said that they couldn't get the steps to click to the door so we would have to wait, but it shouldn't be too long.

I was desperate, as usual, after a flight for the loo.

So it was a bit of an inconvenience to be stuck on the plane at this stage if you know what I mean.

Eventually we got the go ahead from the hostess and a couple of hundred people started to file of the plane to the awaiting buses that would take us to the terminal.

Sitting on this veranda tonight, this incident came fast into my head as I was reflecting on the precipice I'm feeling just now.

There's something really frustrating about being stuck on a plane, especially when your desperate for something or other, and I would like to state it was the something not the other!

What if those steps hadn't been able to attach? We all would have been stuck on the plane I guess.

But the steps came. There is no way the airport staff would have left us on the plane!

That's exactly how I feel.

I feel like I've arrived somewhere and I'm standing waiting to step out into something new, something amazing. And I am determined this time to step out into it. But I guess the steps have to be attached first.

But the thing is.
God will connect the steps and open the door.

And that's where super-trust comes in.

The staff who run airports know exactly what they are doing and we get to our destinations eventually.

Dawn and I have had one heck of a battle over the last few months.

One of the biggest ever!

But sitting here listening to the sounds of Benidorm, and watching the dizzying effect of the neons and the bright lights, feeling a very gentle breeze soothing the skin in the warm summers night air?

I am feeling strongly that battles are really worth something.

And this one is preceding something real.

Somehow I feel the battle has been won, the victory as always, when it comes to God,is as sure as houses.

Somehow I feel like God is giving us the go ahead to step off the plane, step over the precipice, into something electrifyingly, glorifyingly, special.

And when God opens the door we have to walk through.

There's no way I'd ever want to stay on an aeroplane, I have to fly, but I hate them with a passion.

I gotta get off it man!

If there's anyone out there who is feeling like your stuck and there's something more for you? Come on, get off the plane, look for the exit, step out onto the Tarmac of the something more.

You know you want to!

You know you need to!

You know you have to!

Negotium (Heart Silence)

Latin is the coolest language I think there has ever been. The words have a really contemporary feel about them and the meanings behind the words and phrases are superbly complex yet simply profound.

Hard at work in my work room writing today, I came across an amazing Latin word, a word that will be familiar to monastics throughout the ages, but probably not so to twenty first century societies.

The word is negotium.

And it has a truly remarkable resonance for those of us who live life to the full or fill our lives with lots of stuff.

Negotium means freedom from busyness or business.

O boy I could do with a slice of that!

Why do we get so busy?

I’m reading a fantastic book right now called ‘The simplified life’ by Verena Schiller, a nun who for twenty five years lived the life of a hermit in an extremely remote part of Wales.

She actually mentions the word negotium, meaning freedom from busyness or business, and she says that true negotium flows out of stillness and silence.

She is talking about an inner silence or an interior stillness. She is talking about stillness deep inside our being.

In our soul.

A silence inside of us so profound that no matter where we are, in the city, at work, or wherever, we can still escape the busyness or the business of our lives.

A nineteenth century Indian guy called Sri Ramak used to describe the mind as a mighty tree filled with monkeys, all swinging from tree to tree and all in a constant cacophony of chatter and movement.

I don’t know about you but I feel like my head is full of that kind of riotous confusion sometimes?
All those chattering monkeys in your mind leap out of the business or busyness of the day.

How do we bring this constant head-clutter to stillness and silence within us?

Is there a way? I think there is.

Yesterday my morning was just mad! I had to cut two lawns before I went to work. Let me tell you I hate cutting grass! But I’m going to Spain next week for two weeks and I just had to do it, otherwise we would be coming back to something that resembled a mini urban jungle. After that I had a mountain of emails to work through. As I was reading and replying to emails, my mobile phone kept ringing or notifying! Texts, more emails and calls just kept coming. I started to write a contribution towards my dissertation, intending to write about 1000 words. Just as I started I knocked a full cup of tea over my writing bench sending the dark brown liquid every which way and into what seemed like every nook and cranny my desk has on it. For those who know me I am not a very domesticated kind of guy! So I wiped it up with a clean tea towel (Please don’t tell Dawn!) the doorbell rang twice, just salesmen trying to flog gas or something, the house phone rang three times (I didn’t bother answering) and then someone’s car alarm started going off in the street.

In the end?

I gave up with the writing for the morning.

I decided to seek some quiet.

I got in the car and drove down to my favourite spot in Durham. An old ruined abbey that lies beside a crystal clear slow-running river with gorgeous rock faces and wooded areas lining the watersides.

On a good day total silence happens here.

And today it was deadly silent.

I took in the calm. But the chattering monkeys in my mind were not quiet.

I began to pray.

It must have taken a good ten minutes for the cacophony of noise that flows out of the business or busyness of the day to settle down and more importantly quieten down.

As I prayed my senses settled in a more serene place, my mind and my heart quietened. And within fifteen minutes I was connected and deep in oneness with God.

Prayer led me to a place of inner silence.

John Main in his book ‘Word into silence’ says, meditation and prayer brings a distracted mind to stillness and silence.

and I guess he's right?

An inner silence.

Negotium.

A freedom from busyness and business.

It’s a simple blog post today guys I know.

But I think that maybe God wants to remind us that stillness inside of ourselves is important if we really want to hear from him.

Be still and know that I am God? (Psalm 46: 10)

Does that sound like just what you need?

Praying expectantly

Sitting in the silence of an empty Sanctuary 21, before the people start to surface, the homeless, the traveller, the pilgrim and the space seeker, I sit and reflect. I love this time so much.

I have this half hour silence everyday before work starts.

Its a precious space for me.

Yesterday I did some groundwork for my talk sunday night at S21 and this morning in the quietness, I feel compelled to share the scripture with you guys.

Its Psalm 31

I implore you to read the whole of Psalm 31 but I want to kind of highlight verse 24, a verse that is echoing in my heart in the silence this morning.

Here it is:

Be brave, be strong, dont give up. Expect God to be here soon. (Message)

Expect God to be here soon!

My inner soul has been focussed on the word expect since I read this verse.

I have been asking myself the question, do I expect God to move in every situation, in every part of my life?

Yesterday, directly after doing the groundwork for sundays talk, I went and sat with a a few of our really deeply needy young guys who come in off the streets because they are hungry and desperate for company. One of the guys who is selflessly trying to help these needy guys was already sitting with them. As I pulled up a chair the conversation was about whether God exists or not. One of the young men, a young drug addict who has had a hellish life from the start, was vociferously defending the notion that there is no such thing as God. Its not hard to see why when you hear his story. As my friend was skillfully and gently communicating the Gospel, the young man was getting more and more irate. I decided not to offer much to the debate, but start praying. I prayed like crazy that this guy would calm down, especially knowing he has been in prison for seriously wounding someone.

As I prayed, my mind slipped into a bit of a cul de sac. As I looked into the tormented face of this amazing young man, as I looked into his slow reacting eyes, I felt a kind of hopelessness. And I began to think that this guy was unreachable.

But the word expect kept hammering my head.

So I silently prayed OK God, I expect you to do something¡

And I just expected.

From that moment on, I saw a dramatic change. The young guy suddenly became calm and lucid. He lost his aggression almost immediately.

He even stated I wish I could believe in Jesus because I need my life to change.

We ended up praying with him.

Be brave, be strong. Dont give up. Expect God to get here soon.

Do we really expect God to show up?

When we look at the world and see the depths its sunk to, the wars, the greed. The injustice, do we really believe the Spirit of God can rectify, rebalance. Restore and reedeem?

Do we expect him to?

Expectation takes courage and strength.

God can do more than we dare ask or imagine.

He is the change for everything.

The only hope for this world.

I pray today that we will have the strength to raise our expectation levels so that we can experience just what the power of God can and will do.

Whirlpool (Hand to the plough)

My life has just got caught up in kind of mad whirlpool of madness lately.

One of those times where you hate being in the middle of what’s going on but you also know there’s something deeper going on?

Something spiritual.

Something that will shape you that little bit more and ultimately move you on to a stronger place, to a better understanding of where your life is heading.

Yeah?

Well I’m in one of those crazy vacuums right now.

Questions flood my mind. What should I be doing? Where should I be? What am I? Who am I? Who am I perceived to be? Where should I be heading in this life?

Is it a mid life crisis?

Nah!

It’s hardly a crisis; I’ve had worse times in my life.

However, I do feel a bit disorientated as I really seek where God wants to position me.

And I am desperate for answers. Patience is something I’m working hard on right now!

I was talking to my friend James in S21 the other day and he was telling me about what’s going on in his Church right now. He was telling me that the leader of his church was going to speak from Luke 9: 57-62. As we were talking the conversation seemed to be hitting me somewhere very deep.

57 As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” 59 He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” 61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” 62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

The first thing that struck me was the fact that I make those statements. “Yeah God I will follow you wherever you go.” “Wherever you lead me I will follow”

Then every bone and sinew in my body feels like doing its own thing, going my own way. I feel like getting everything sorted out so I know where I’m going, what I’m doing and all those other questions that emanate from the mad whirlpool.

Yet that doesn’t seem to fit with Jesus answer.

“Foxes have holes, birds have nests but the son of man has nowhere to lay his head.”

Jesus doesn't seem to get settled.

He has to be flexible and fluid and be ready to go where the need is.

Yet we often want everything sorted.

This week I’ve been spending hours with two of the street dwellers who come into S21 every day for food and warmth and love. Richard is about 55 and has been living in doorways for about 10 years. His mate, Ian has been homeless for two years. I’ve loved being with them this week, they’ve shown me where they sleep, a quiet doorway in an old building by the river in Durham. They have been sharing with me how they survive. How they get up at 3am every Friday and Saturday to look for money the clubbers have dropped in their drunken states. They have shown me where they can find food that’s been dumped. I’ve sat and eat with the, and seen how the constant mission to find alcohol, then drink it is sending them to oblivion. Part of me believe it or not, wanted to drop being a minister and go and live in a doorway myself, but I don’t think Dawn would let me somehow. But these guys are always on the move, always looking to survive. They really are living, breathing beings that genuinely have nowhere to lay their head.
And being with them this week, as I saw the place where they sleep for instance, a horrible place where rats roam and foxes look for food and where constant danger lurks, dirty and hellish, I saw why Jesus has to be flexible. Because he was in this place and countless other places too.

And i realised that if I’m going to follow him I’m going to be taken to places I don’t want to be and don’t want to go.

I can’t have it the way I want it.

The second thing I noticed in this scripture was that this time Jesus invites the guy to follow him. But the guy says “OK yeah but first let me just go and bury my dead father.”

Seems like a pretty important thing to do.

But Jesus says, “Let the dead bury their own dead.”

I don’t want to get into the theology of that statement, just to say that it hit me how many excuses I can put in the way of Jesus invitation to me to follow him.

And not only for me but I can see this in the Church too. Jesus says follow me, but we hear in reply, “but first the finances have to be in place.” “It has to be ratified by the board.” “You have to give up this and do that first.” “You can follow Jesus but you have to do it in the way we tell you.”

Jesus says. “Let the dead bury their own dead.”

Enough said!

The third thing and most important to me right now is we see Jesus again throwing out an invitation to follow him but again the answer comes back, “first let me go and say goodbye to my family.”

Jesus says this;

“No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Its amazing how we get drawn into looking backwards and wishing life could be like something from the past where we were settled and happy.

Jesus is kind of saying, “I’m offering you a new way of life, something fresh. Its hard work but it’s the only way to go.”

But if you look backwards, if you have to constantly go and deal with things then you aren’t fit for service in the kingdom of God because it’s comfortable back there, it’s familiar, and it will draw you away from kingdom business.

Talking to James he was kind of challenging me to look at the plough.

My plough.

The work God has given me to do.

I’ve been thinking lately I wish I was back in Liverpool, at the Boiler Room, the amazing church we had, the amazing ministry. I loved it.

But that’s not my plough any more.

I remember driving down the M6 towards Liverpool just after we had moved to the North East and seeing the most fantastic sunset as I approached Liverpool. It just unfolded in red-gold glory right before my eyes. I remember feeling so lost because I really wanted to be in Liverpool, wanted to be in the past, in my former life. I felt God speak into my heart when he said, “Gary, you have to let the sun go down on Liverpool for now because I’m taking you to other places.”

God has given me a new plough.

And maybe he will give me another new plough.

But the important thing is. Don’t look back!

Or even more important than that don’t go back!

We won’t be fit for service in the Kingdom.

Maybe there is some fear of stepping out or moving forward going on your life right now and you are in the same mad whirlpool I’m in right now.

Don’t let it suck you under.

God maybe doing something deep.

Maybe we need some flexibility, a realisation that we can’t know the full picture all the time.

Maybe you need to let the sun go down on the past?

Maybe you need to go up to your plough and start pushing it?

Cry

Yesterday was one of those days that seems to be a day where my life seemed to come to abrupt halt.

Bad religious politics once again hit Dawn and I below the belt.

So much so that this time it really hurt us both badly.

And yesterday we could have easily walked away from it once again.

When I got home yesterday I'd had enough. And these days that takes a lot. So much so that completely out of character I began to cry. But this was not a normal cry. It seemed to rise from the depths of somewhere deep and soul like. It shuddered through my body as if I was holding on to a pneumatic drill. I sobbed from the pit of my stomach out into the air and I could not control it. Poor Dawn was so frightened by it she had to make some phone calls because she didn't know what to do.

I was crying because at the time I was feeling that we just couldn't move. It felt like we were trapped. It felt like we couldn't operate how God would want us to operate. Other people make decisions about your life without actually knowing facts. And it forces you to react and act out of character.

But this cry was not a cry I've ever experienced in my life before. Something deeper was going on, something much deeper than anything that has happened to me before.

And the tears were hot and big and copious.

In those tears, intermingled into the chemical construction of them was healing. A deep healing that changed something big in my life last night.

Something just broke.

Something that I now know was a stronghold, a cancer in my spiritual life that has hung around since the day I asked Jesus in my life.

Something that I knew I shouldn't hold on to but held onto tightly regardless of what I knew was right.

The stronghold basically consisted of pride and self building. It had crept up on me sneakily and deceptively. It made me feel I needed to please others, to play the game in the Salvation Army so that we would guarantee good appointments. Sad I know? I had fell into a trap I believe many ministers stumble into? And I feel good today confessing it to you guys my readers.

But last night in those tears, as they burned the skin on my face, I was taken to a different level of my relationship with God, I could almost touch his face. And face to face I felt the pride snap and everything changed for me. All I had harboured in my head about the way forward for me just disappeared. Where we should live, what type of ministry we should be doing, how I should do it, who could help me get to the next point on our journey. All those crazy things became massive in my head.

All that just evaporated into thin air?

Thin air in the thin place that my office at home became last night.

I realised that I cannot have any impact on the Salvation Army, the only possible thing our ministry can have an impact on is the other broken people like me who desperately need a saviour.

So right there and then I let go of a fight that I didn't know I had been fighting. Or, as is more likely, I was aware of deep down but chose to ignore the numerous warning signs God had given me.

When the tears and the violent sobs subsided. Seriously a peace descended like I've never known. And I was kind of floating in a land where nobody lives! I felt weightless and deeply joyful.

And this morning, knowing also that loads of people prayed for me last night, I awakened with a resolve.

Never again will I let the religious piety of systems shape my character nor my future. Never again will I try to rely on systems or others to shape my ministry.

I choose to follow God not man.

And man can only get to you if we let it happen.

And I have to admit I have let man get to me.

Boy I felt something that I've preached on many times to probably thousands of people now during the course of my ministry, I felt freedom.

Freedom!

It feel like I actually have an understanding what it means to be born again today. Maybe being born again takes tears? Tears that transform and realign a persons life? I don't know, but for me this morning I am feeling a true freedom.

And I wanted to share this with you today, even though I wrestled with writing this today at a vulnerable level, the Spirit of God laid it on my heart to do it.

If there is anyone who identifies with this? I pray today that God will touch your life in an amazing way.

Allow him to resurrect you! To realign you. To restore you. To re-stoke your passion for him.

Do not let pride or ambition suck you in.