End of life

These past three years I have found myself in world of end of life care.

I didn’t choose to be there.

I sort of just found myself there.

It started when I left Salvation Army Officership and sort of fell into a job with a funeral director in London.
The job turned into many things.

Cleaning funeral cars, funeral directing, coffin bearing, driving big expensive limousines, removing bodies from homes, crime scenes and other locations. Yet the thing I developed a real love for was dealing with bereaved families.

I was able to engage my experience of pastoral work along with my natural desire to help people in need.

This experience was honed over 20 years as a Senior Nurse and a further 16 years as a minister.

At the time I had in my head that this job was at it’s crudest level a means to an end, a fill-in to help get me over the sheer havoc that working for the Salvation Army had brought to my life.

But.

God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform.

I found the compassion for hurting people that is deep within my soul was being utilised, so much so that I found myself in the midst of the devastation of peoples loss. This place is a mission field that requires a deep compassion, a caring spirit, and a comforting presence. God is already in the spaces of peoples loss and hurt so it suddenly dawned on me that he had pulled me in to join him there.

Fast forward to right now.

In Two weeks’ time at Manchester Metropolitan University, I begin the short academic and practical course to regain my registration as a Registered General Nurse.

And

I will be doing my placement in a Hospice as I have decided to train to become an end of life specialist over the next few years.

A few people I have talked to about it say, “How could you deal with death every day?”

Do you know what? They are valid observations and concerns of course they are.

But.

My faith helps me to know that end of life care is just an earthly term and applies to the end of our existence on earth.

Yet.

My faith determines that it is nothing but a stage on an eternal journey.

So.

With that in mind I will be working not with death but with life abundant, and although a large part of my work as a nurse in end of life care will involve the absence of cure and healing as we know it in earthly terms, it will involve the beautiful administration of making people more comfortable as they reach the final stage of their life on earth.

Not only that.

It will also involve the privilege of being in the middle of peoples hurt, family members, friends and the like.

As if that decision wasn’t enough.

I had the great honour to be part of my own mothers death recently.

I always thought I would be absolutely devastated when my mum passed away.
Yet
I was blessed with a sense of utter peace and joy.

I felt a strength filling me from heaven.

My mum was the most beautiful person to me.

Yes she could drive me insane at times as she could be a bit feisty, and holding back what she thought at any given time wasn’t an option for her, but she was a mast in my life.

I miss her terribly of course. And I have learned that grieving involves many emotions that will be different to every single person.

But.

I am blessed with my faith to know that death was not the end, and for my mum it was the ultimate healing from all that life threw at her and somehow I feel even closer to her now.

This convinces me of the thin veil between that exists between earth and heaven.

This experience has strengthened my resolve to enter the world of end of life care with passion and strength to help others in their respective times of deep need.

And I get the distinct feeling that God has led me to this place.

I leave you with a short postscript.

For those dealing with bereavement just now I know how you feel from recent experience, But I challenge you today to grasp hold of the hope that faith brings and move on in your grief with all the love, memory and experience that a relationship with your loved one brings.

Carry all of that into your future with confidence.

Tiger

I looked into the face of a tiger.

Well

Not a real tiger.

A picture of one.

It had vibrant yellow eyes.

It was baring its teeth.

His face had a kind of "I am about to pounce on you" expression.

But

It made me smile.

Yeah

It really did.

My smile was unforced and came without me trying.

I have documented many times about the fight I had with immense inner turmoil.

Yeah

I'm truly happy to report.

I am out the other side.

I have finally stepped past the vicious tiger that stood in the way of me and my future.

The tiger in the room took many forms in my battle.

It fired stuff at me like, "You're not good enough",
Like how could anybody possibly like you", "you've got absolutely no chance of achieving that".

You know

All that Kings of rubbish.

But

That tiger in the room relentlessly made me retreat backwards into my miserable life.

Its been a long hard journey to step past that scary tiger.

But

I'm past it.

The thing is.

I now see possibilities instead of futile harbourings.

I now feel like I am walking forwards instead of retreating backwards.

Last week I spoke at a Church retreat, the first time I have done it for a while.

My goodness I felt clear.

I felt I have no baggage as I have laid it down.

I feel my creative writing has resurfaced from deep within me.

I feel like I am at the start of my life again.

I have a blank canvas ahead and I have plenty to write on it.

I resurrect my blog today in a new frame of mind.

And

I'm ready to write positive words for the glory of God.

God

Who

I give all the praise for bringing me through the worst ever period of my existence.

Watch this space

.