I was
desperate to be liked.
Growing up.
That was it.
The unknown
goal.
The unseen
dream.
It drove me
on.
To do?
Many outstandingly
stupid things.
What was
behind it?
Well that
took a year of prayer and psychological counselling to begin to understand and
unravel.
That’s a
story for another day.
Being
desperate to be liked is only part of a much wider desperation.
That being.
To be
accepted.
I somehow
from birth felt an outsider, in church, in school, in work, in my family
everywhere.
Yes, the
root of that has been uncovered.
Thankfully.
Again that
is a story for another day.
Being desperate
to be liked is has its side effects.
One massive
one being blaming everyone else for making you feel like an outsider and
completely shirking any responsibility for oneself, one’s actions, one’s
reactions, one’s lifestyle.
Being desperate
to be liked makes you do stuff, like buy stuff you can’t afford, be someone you
are not meant to be, be untruthful to get where you think you should be, make
relationship choices that are not right for you. Be led by other people even
though you don’t like what they are doing.
All this can
lead to debt, false self, disastrous relationships, unsettling work
relationships and ultimately gross unhappiness.
Yet.
In my case?
The world
thought I was Mr likeable.
The world
thought he has got it sorted.
I’ve come to
realise I was an expert in creating and wearing various disguises.
I could
invent and be whoever I needed to be for any given situation.
In that life
of ultra-falseness?
I lost me.
The genuine
me.
The person I
am destined to be.
But.
Wait.
This isn’t a
sad eulogy to my former life.
No.
I have to
tell you the truth.
The truth
is.
You can
change.
Especially with
Jesus help.
I know there
will be people reading this blog who are thinking deep down oh my! That sounds
like me!
I know that
because I have sat in the course of my ministry with hundreds of people who
have been devastated by their false self. And indeed are continuing to be
devastated right now.
But.
You can
purge that false self out of your life and rediscover who you are.
The simple
key to do this for me was this.
To firstly stop
looking at how others or circumstances were treating me and blaming them for my
gross unhappiness. Secondly, look at my own part in the unhappiness, what have
I contributed to it. Thirdly, to take responsibility for the inside and outside
of me.
I remember the day I got so excited
that I could actually let go of being a false me. It came with such clarity that I couldn’t
understand how I had actually spent most of my life trying to be Mr likeable,
trying to please others, trying to impress, trying to be the top dog, the
number one. That is so tiring to keep up that no wonder we end up exhausted,
unhappy and unfulfilled in life. I remember I was deeply upset by the fact I
had not got a certain job that I really wanted and was wallowing in self-pity
and rejection. I began to think seriously that no one actually liked me, no one
thought I was of any worth and I began to really get depressed by the way I was
living and that things didn’t seem to go my way as much as I truly wanted. On the
back of a book in my office was a bible verse that was backing up the title of
a book I can’t even remember. It was Psalm 10 :5 the first few words hit me and
struck me as if having been hit with a stun gun. ‘His ways prosper at all
times.’ I don’t know why but I realised that my own ways weren’t prospering at
all. My own ways were a problem. I saw
it. The life I had been leading for years in the false self was all about me. And
as simplistic as this sounds I knew I had to discover more about God’s ways. I
was sick of a none prosperous life. Now so as we are not confused here I am not
talking about financial stuff. I’m talking about every aspect of my being.
I knew I had to change.
I’ve now stopped blaming others
for my circumstances. Even when people are not nice with me. I’ve practiced and
learned to look at my own self, to take responsibility for what I do and say,
for my own responses and actions.
Once I did that I discovered some
amazing things about the real Gary.
I found I was humble.
I found that happiness was sourced in
loving and caring for others.
I found that other people actually only
hurt me if I let them.
I found that I have more energy
because I’ve stopped the tiring drag of trying to be something I’m really not.
I found that I can’t control what
others think or say about me.
I found that because of that I didn’t
have to invent a Mr likeable anymore.
I found I like the real Gary and
hated the inventions of the past.
In all of this?
I am recovering my life.
The reason I write this today is
probably slightly prophetic as I started it by just practicing my typing on a
new piece of software.
Then.
This came out!
So.
I’m sure this will help someone.
I pray it really does.
