Walking through the thin winding streets of Durham towards the ancient and iconic Durham Cathedral all I could think of was I hope this doesn't go on too long!
At 8.30am this morning I was on my way to a rehearsal at the Cathedral for its annual 'Nine lessons and carols' service. This service is massively attended every year.
I have been asked to deliver the eighth of the nine lessons.
In other words, read a slice of scripture out!
So here I was at this early hour, wondering why I have to practice doing a reading.
The rehearsal was very ordered.
One of the canons explained what would be happening.
A verger would come to my seat and bow his head, I would have to bow my head back! Then he would walk me to the lecturn, a brassy extravagantly adorned pulpit about eight feet higher than the possible 1500 congregation. I was told before I went up the stairs to the pulpit the verger would nod his head again and I needed to reciprocate! Then once in the pulpit I had to press a button to switch on the microphone Then read the passage, and then switch the microphone back off! The verger would then meet me at the bottom of the pulpit, we would do the nodding thing again, and he would march me back to my seat.
To remember all that on the night, i'll need a miracle!
I thought I was just reading the bible!
I guess the people at the cathedral want it to be as near perfection as it can be.
I must admit I could do without the nodding thing though!
Waiting for my turn at rehearsing the reading my mind began to wander.
It was kind of eerily like the bad old days in growing up in the Salvation Army.
All that showy perfection that plagued us for decades.
Under that guilt-laying thing that perfect people used to say, you know? The best for the highest?
And for me I could never live up to that because I ain't good at worldly perfection really.
I guess the quest to produce quality salvationism, yeah the shiniest shoes, the right coloured tights (not me of course!) The most gleaming brass instrument, the best voice, the top chair in the band, Top boy or girl at summer camp, all that stuff, kind of ecame a relentless slog for me. I even used it as my main tool to gain popularity with my peers.
What did it actually do?
Well if you are asking me?
I think it masked my brokeness.
So much so when I look back I couldnt allow my real self to be shared with family and friends never mind a saviour.
I think that is the danger of worldly perfection.
Now?
I just love Jesus really.
When I read about him in the scriptures and see him in the brokeness of the world, I see more and more that its not worldly perfection he wants from us, but our brokeness maybe?
Im loving the fact that I can now relate to him not because I am so brilliant at being a Salvationist (which I am definately not!) but because he wants me as I am.
And from where I am? He puts my life together, bit by bit.
And my relationship with him is way more authentic really.
So if you are thinking you have to be a perfect salvationist, or Baptist, or any other 'ist?' in order to please God or get favour with him?
Have a bit of a rethink?
God will take you as you are now.
No matter how imperfect?
In him there will be hope forever.
