The pain of feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my life was sharp and heavy. My heart was in pain, my mind was in pain even my body was in pain. The heaviness was oppressive and depressive all at the same time. My world seemed like a prison. A prison with walls that slowly but relentlessly close in. I couldn’t for the life of me see the good in much. I felt at times like I wasn't sure I could take much more.
I wasn't enjoying my ministry.
I wasn't enjoying life.
I spent most of my time wishing I could just walk away from everything.
Every insignificant thing seemed massive.
Every negative comment sent me to a dark, lonely place, a place where I hate to go.
I now know where this started and set in.
Without going into details that would probably make you feel sick, the control and pure stupidness of different people, people who really should have known better, yet people who let power go to their heads, had inflicted serious damage to my spirit and my soul which in turn took its toll on my body. I had almost allowed them to do it by giving them too much power by going down the submissive route which is a dangerous thing to do if you are in the presence of people who do not understand the spiritual concept of submission. Spiritual submission is massively different to submission abuse.
I hit rock bottom after the last blow inflicted by sad, dangerous, misguided people.
This particular time the wound was deep and opened up a lot of other wounds I had collected in my officership.
Depression saw its chance.
It crept up on me and seeped through those wounds and settled in to my life.
Before I became a Salvation Army officer I still had a sense of fun, of life and a sense of worth.
As great as my ministry seems to many people, I give all the glory to God because he has had to work through my massive weaknesses.
But underneath the inevitable acting and the false self appearances that brings, I have been dying inside and I longed to be free.
Depression.
How do you get free from depression?
I’m not going to attempt to answer that right now for sure.
But.
I’ve learned some stuff.
It took a long time for me to admit that depression had set in. I just didn't want it. I convinced myself that it definitely couldn’t happen to me.
But one day.
One dark day.
I just walked into the doctors and asked for help.
I had already started counselling.
God was there.
Even though at times I wondered if he was even real.
He is amongst all of the help and healing.
And.
I am beginning to heal now.
If you read my last blog post titled “I’m back” then you will see I have at least stepped on the road to recovery.
It feels like I have been to hell and I’m on the road back to heaven.
A hell inflicted by people who in some cases were revered leaders.
If you’re still reading this and haven’t lost the will to live then I will tell you the reason that I write this short version of a big deal for me. I write it because I guess there are others who even now are reading between the lines of what I have written and your own situations are surfacing right now.
Especially depression.
I am no expert on getting free of depression but know that I have learned a few things that help with recovery and felt for some reason I need to share them today.
- Prayer is massively important. even when you feel you are speaking to thin air and getting nothing back. Get into the lifestyle of doing it anyway. Trust God he will bring you through.
- A verse of scripture a day helps.
- Admit you are struggling.
- Do not battle it. Go to the GP.
- If counselling is possible go for it. A good counsellor can help you get stuff tucked away deep inside you out. There will be forgiveness issues and letting go issues that you could do with being sure about. Counsellors or Spiritual mentors etc are a great help in this.
- If there is someone who is causing you distress, deal with it. If it is your boss don’t leave it, tackle them. if you feel you can’t speak to your boss, consider speaking to their boss.
- Speak to a friend you trust. share how you are feeling.
- Don’t be frightened to take time off sick if needed.
- Don’t be afraid to take medication if prescribed.
My biggest problem was having years of not doing anything but get worse.
Just making a decision to deal with it by walking into the GP gave me a reassuring lift.
Keeping my prayer life strong even when it felt dry kept hope of healing alive.
I have briefly shared this and it is hard to do believe me. I am not the type of person who would like to read this blog post or share like this. I would rather keep it private. But I felt God wanted me to do this if only to help someone in deep need today.
So.
My final word on this is.
Don't leave it any longer.
Seek help.
There is a road to recovery.
There is time to discover you again.
There is hope.
If anyone wants to share with me there experience please email me on gaz.lacey@gmail.com and I will pray for you.
Finally
A word from God.
Make your world bigger. The world that surrounds your problem or issue is surprisingly small although you see it as insurmountable. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the most high dwells (Psalm 46:6). Listen sons and daughters I Know about your past, present and future, head for the river that will lead you to the holy city. make your world bigger. Do not reside in the small world of your present circumstances. Seek the wider air of my omnipotence. There is a bigger world waiting for you. wide your ground, seek new things. the discoveries are there but you must find the river. I point the way. look to Jesus. Sons and daughters I know you are tired of the small world. seek the holy place. The City of God.
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
Blessings.
