This week I saw an email from my boss saying we had to respond to a request to confirm our attendance at a business/mission day. I hate those things with a passion, I’m not a ‘let’s sit in groups and discuss something’ type of person. It never works for me.
I reacted badly.
And
All kinds of thoughts came flooding in to my head through an inner voice that jumped into my thought processes furiously and ready for a battle. Why would I want to go to that? Look at the programme for the day the options are not really of interest to me. I don't want to sit through a discussion on a subject I couldn't be less interested in if I tried. All these things were spoken into my life immediately.
This sent me into a feeling of dread.
So much so I wrote an email in reply saying I wouldn't be there. I had a genuine excuse not to be, but that excuse evaporated when someone cancelled a meeting with me.
I got my kn----rs in a twist well and truly!
Fortunately
Every morning I sit and reflect
On this day I was in In Morrison’s cafe, armed with a fry up and a coffee ready to seek God. I sat and reflected using a book I called ‘Be happy.’ In this book there is a chapter called practicing a positive inner voice.
After reading it I began to reflect on what my inner voice modus operandi was.
I was instantly surprised.
I found that on reflection a negative inner voice tended to get in first when dealing with the stuff of life.
Then I found that my positive inner voice struggled to overcome the negative one.
And
I mean really struggled to almost the point of defeat.
Then I asked myself how did the negative inner voice get into my life?
I have been working on a series of articles on guilt and Shame lately.
Especially the differences between them.
And
I discovered my inner negative voice came from shame...
The difference between guilt and shame is best explained like this. Guilt is a bad feeling when we have overstepped the mark with something and we know we shouldn't have. Shame is where we haven't stepped up to the plate as it were. Shame is where we get a bad feeling about not doing enough or not being enough.
And this feeling in me has been cultivated over a long period of time. Feeling like I am not quite good enough. That I don't live up to others expectations of me. That I'm not quite good looking enough, not quite intelligent enough, that other people seem to reach heights I don't seem to reach. That kind of thing.
This shame comes from some roots of negative experiences going back to my childhood.
So what I've ended up with is a voice that speaks into my life a dearth of negativity that masquerades as a kind of protective mechanism.
This voice has made sure my life has not felt quite successful, that my being is often insignificant and that my purpose in life is essentially futile.
None of those things are true.
But my negative inner voice convinces me they are.
So
I've decided that since I have uncovered this almighty mess inside of me. I ought to do something about it.
No, Let me give God glory here, he has positively ordered me to do something about it!
How do I turn this around so that the positive voice speaks first and blows the negative voice out of the water in my life?
Wow
A difficult quest awaits me.
The first thing in Scripture I read when asking God that very question was this.
John 10:1-42
“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter the sheepfold by the door but climbs in by another way, that man is a thief and a robber. But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. To him the gatekeeper opens. The sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee from him, for they do not know the voice of strangers.” ..
On reading these words I immediately realised I am subconsciously operating in the opposite of this.
Now, I know Jesus and am in a relationship with him.
But
As I am one of these very sheep in the pen, I am tending to follow the strangers voice instead of the Shepherds voice.
Which means this.
I am open to being ribbed from or stolen and even killed.
But
What if I learned to recognize the Shepherds voice and follow him?
Well, I will be led out of all kinds of situations unharmed and safe. Even enjoy a happier and more fulfilling life.
So
One nougat of lifestyle that I learned in my studies of Monasticism throughout the ages, is that monastics throughout history knew why and how practicing things brought about positive change.
Practicing the presence of God, practicing prayer, cultivating peace and so on.
So I thought what I need to do is practice listening to the positive inner voice in my being rather than the negative one.
God is never negative.
His example is always positive.
So
It feels important to realise that the positive inner voice we hear is the shepherd, and has the spirit of God laced into its mix.
The negative voice is a strangers voice.
A robber
A killer.
The other day a guy I have been ministering to said he was driving through the City and he told me that he saw a sign saying adult books for sale. The sign was over a seedy little string of shops that were mostly tinned up. He told me a voice spoke up in his head and said stop there and have a look. It was a strong voice. On this occasion he managed to keep on driving. Then I remembered a friend of mine telling me how he saw this guy every morning struggling up a hill with his shopping and I remember him saying how he felt so guilty because a voice was telling him to stop and help but he never did.
These two examples show the strangers voice at work but also the Shepherds voice.
Neither person responded to them.
And this is where we have to learn to respond by saying no to the strangers voice and yes to the Shepherds voice.
This is where the practice comes in
I’m on to it!
What about you?
Is this blog resonating with you?
Join me in responding to the beautiful inner voice of the spirit of God and practice a none response to the inner negative voice.
It may make all the difference.
