Starlight

My phone is my mate.

When I bought it the advertising bumph stressed that the camera or cameras, 5 of them, were so good in low light that it would reveal the secrets of the night!

Wow

I was hooked!

And

As it happens, this camera is brilliant especially when it comes to astrophotography, photography involved in the imaging of the night sky.

The secrets of the night!

Hey

That started me thinking.

And

Started me reflecting.

I saw in my mind's eye the days where I was walking in darkness, in fact more than that, walking in the black of the night, the kind of thick darkness that depression and melancholy bring. I couldn't see where I was going, I didnt know what was in front of me, I was constantly in danger of falling and longed for some kind of light.

Anyone relate to that?

Yeah

Life

Life can be affected by all kinds of stuff

I didn't see the darkness coming. it crept up on my existence like a ghost from the depths of nowhere.

While in the depths of despair, the darkness helped me to resign from the Salvation Army, the darkness also took my liberty, my self esteem, my confidence and my trust in anything. I was left lifeless and cold.

And

Alone.

I have written and spoke many times since my healing and restoration about the role that hope played in my resuscitation.

And

This morning I feel compelled to write this for someone today.

Really listen to this scripture. Isaiah 9:2

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in darkness a light has dawned."

I want to say to that person who is shrouded in that lurid and hopeless darkness this morning, that there is a light.

look for it right now.

look at it right now.

it is found in the face of a Saviour.

Who's birth we will soon be celebrating.

The light has come

Wow

Listen

There is a fresh start in that light, a new beginning.

There is healing and fixing in that light.

No amount of brokeness cannot be reconstructed in that light.

Hey

You are devoid of strength right now, you are broken and shattered, you are locked into a feeling that you feel will never leave you.

But.

For those living in darkness the light has come.

And

That means there is hope, a very real hope.

There are, as my phone camera promises, secrets of the night. I love it when I take a photo of the stars, and the sheer detail and illumination my camera gives.

There is sheer beauty in starlight

But it is no secret that there is a far greater light.

The light of a different way, a new beginning and a fresh vision of life.

God light!

Come on, you can change this.

Letter to hope

Dear hope

I love you.

You only have positive expectations

You accompanied me into my darkest moments even though I didn't hear, see or feel you.

But

You were definitely there.

And

I have to say thank you for offering me your outstretched hand in my time of need.

I noticed some other things about you too.

You hold all the good things that are locked into my future. You carry strength like I have never seen. You have a steadiness and a calmness that exceed anything the world could ever offer up.

I should have believed in you quicker, I wish I had taken a hold of you sooner, but I didn't.

Yet

That's the thing

you still stayed close and promised to never leave no matter what.

and

You never left and never will

You offer another way, another approach, another chance always.

The healing properties you carry are boundless and are medicine to the sickness darkness causes.

you offer me a way out of the darkness.

You show me opportunities not despair.

You are my companion for life and I never realised

But

Now I know

And

I know you are real and present

Forever

You are so real

I love you.

Thank you

X

The best and worst of times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Hey I have been on one heck of a journey the last five years. 

From the day I left Officership back in April 2015, I set about deepening my relationship with God, with the aim of being strengthened and healed.

And

I started back last week in Ministry in the Salvation Army a completely different person, with a new outlook on life, and a perspective that has shifted considerably. 

I guess the quote from Dickens magnificent book, Tale of two Cities, really describes the battle to be healed and restored I have been enmeshed in over the last few years. 

I have experienced the deep power of Jesus that changes everything, I've had help from some experts and some deeply spiritual help from trusted people. Then on the other hand I battled to allow healing to come to the wounds I had recieved. During the last few years I lost my mum and my brother. I've worked in a few jobs that were a blessing and helped with the restructuring of my inner persona. I have experienced highs and lows with massive extremes. 

These are just a couple of things. 

I will go into some of the amazing things that I have been humbled and blessed by as I resume my blogging now. 

So

As you can probably guess. 

It has been the best and the worst of times. The spring of hope and the winter of despair. 

Yet

My goodness, I have learned so much about myself and how important changing my attitude towards life and ministry actually is. 

And

It has been undoubtedly the most important time of my life.

So during the coming weeks, I will share some of my experiences and victories I have received and achieved in the hope it will help someone else out there to understand totally that hope is real.  

Looking forward to it

Gaz

Follow the cloud

One thing that has been so clear this week is that God has spoken into my life.

Everywhere I have turned God has spoke through something or someone.

I had a word from an old gentleman who attends the Salvation Army Church that my wife leads on Sunday morning. This gentleman has been struggling with illness and has been in hospital until recently. One of the effects of the illness he has is that he can sometimes get confused. He is a former Pentecostal Minister who is full of fire and brimstone and is not slow at pouring that fire on whoever happens to be there at the time.

On Sunday morning, just as the morning service was about to begin, his wife approached me as I settled into a back row corner seat and informed me that Mike had a word to share with me. I said thank you and I promised her I would come and see him after the service.

I wasn't expecting much as he has sadly been really confused recently.

But

As soon as Dawn said the last Amen that morning, I headed up to see Mike. He invited me to sit on his seated walker as there was no other seat available. I shook his trembling hand and noted how pale and unwell he looked.

Yet

He had a steely look in his grey eyes.

A look I've seen before in the eyes of people with a serious prophetic gift.

I was expecting a long word.

But

in a moment of intense clarity, he spoke just three.

"Follow the cloud."

And

I almost dismissed the word from immediately, thinking it didn't really make any sense.

But

I could not for the life of me shake it off.

It would not let me go all of Sunday. Even as I watched the football on Sunday afternoon I kept seeing those steely grey eyes and hearing the words, "Follow the cloud."

It was still with me Monday as I sat at my desk scoffing a croissant and drinking my first black coffee of the day.

So I just googled "follow the cloud."

I was immediately alerted to a scripture.

Exodus 13: 20-22

This scripture is part of the account of the Israelite's journey out of Egypt, just before they would eventually cross the Red Sea, the big parting of the waves and all that.

"After leaving Sukkoth they camped at Etham on the edge of the desert. By the day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or by night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day or the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people."

Wow!

It struck me straight away that these guys recently released from captivity were on the edge of a journey into the wilderness. Up until this point they knew the roads, but soon they would enter uncharted territory. Their only hope? to be guided by God who manifested as a pillar of cloud for them to follow.

Me?

Recently I have been released from a kind of captivity.

The captivity of hurt, self pity, self doubt and a little ego thrown in for good measure.

I've been through four years of intense refinement.

And now free, I find myself camped on the edge of an exciting wilderness.

A wilderness that holds much opportunity as I walk towards the things God has promised me. The promised land if you like.

And

I have to follow the cloud.

I require intense guidance.

And I have fix my eyes on Jesus, the ultimate pillar of cloud, who will lead me to what God wants for me, not what I want.

Because what is the alternative?

An alternative I know way too well.

And that is to follow your own way.

I've tried that and I got a bit a lost.

Which leads me to two other things that have happened that God has spoken to me through.

One was a piece of writing from Oswald Chambers, a passage that my boss shared with me at work. This text says that the call of God is implicit and can never be stated explicitly. In other words the call of God on your life is not to an organisation or a person but the call is into comradeship with God.

And

I have been really focusing lately on what the call of God is on my life.

Is it to minister, to go back into officership, to do what?

I am desperate to pick up my ministry again,and believe that is where the Lord is leading me.

But

I have to remember that All I have to do is focus on following the cloud, keep in total relationship with God and follow him wherever he goes.

The second thing hit me like a rocket.

I binge watched the new Netflix documentary on the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

I have followed this case since the day it happened and have set it as one of my prayer projects to pray for her and her family and the situation.

I was floored by the police chief who is the former head of the Child exploitation and online protection service.

He shared how he was head of the anti terrorism unit and knew it was an immensely important role. He was asked to head up the then new Child exploitation and online protection centre. He shared how he felt he was stepping down the ladder as it were and it was almost a demotion from his prominent post. He then was asked to speak at a conference in Cambodia. While there he was taken to a tip and watched as the child trafficking rings operated openly exploiting children who had gone to this dump to search for food. This impacted him deeply. As he was on the flight home to the UK he was so touched by what he saw that a passion rose within him to do something about it.

Then

He said something that impacted me.

He said He decided that he had to "Pack way his ego," He had to put away any feelings of being demoted or sent to a task he had initially thought was a lesser offer, and take the job he was being offered.

This was for me that night.

I have to put any feelings of what in my eyes would be best for my future and follow the cloud.

Pack away my ego.

Follow Jesus into what he has called me to, and make a massive difference to the lives of those who are in desperate need of the love, grace and mercy of a saviour.

So hey

Are you on the edge of the wilderness?

Are you feeling lost or wayward?

Then

As you walk into the uncharted territory of the future?

Pack away the ego, answer the call.

And

Follow the cloud

Walls

I'm going to Church in about an hour.

My morning has started in the less than salubrious surroundings of a McDonalds.

I love their coffee, although that doesn't justify the double sausage and egg Mcmuffin that I shouldnt be eating!

But

I love the breakfast, and I love the time I have just to think.

Hence the fact I've got my tablet out and have started tapping the keyboard and putting my thinking down on electronic paper.

It has taken four years.

But

I find myself in the unusual position of being totally healed and free.

It's a weird feeling but a fantastic one all the same.

It's taken much prayer, a little counselling, a few happy pills and a mega helping of pain, struggle and battles to finally reach the point I am at right now.

I've taken a significant rest from speaking, from ministering, from the dangers of Church going. I've battled hard to recover my life from wounds so deep they almost obliterated me.

But

Freedom has arrived like a liberator I thought would never come.

I have taught about freedom for many years on many stages and platforms across europe, yet looking back I was not taking any notice of the stuff God was asking me to impart others. I was so busy helping others I forgot about my own life.

And

I let the bad side of religion almost steal my very life.

As many of you know, I resigned from Salvation Army Officership four years ago now.

I had to.

I needed the space to really deepen my relationship with God and take it to a whole new level, and, really accept and recieve the healing he can and does lavish upon those who are desperate for it.

And

I hate to admit it, but I was desperately in need of saving.

It is easy for me to blame others for my wounds and I would be right because that was true.

But

It wasn't until I accepted that there was also an element of myself placing obstacles in my own way, that I gave God the chance to begin a restorative work in me.

I built myself a nice wall that became so formidable that I couldn't get past it.

I built it brick by brick with bricks such as, self pity, insecurity, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, regret, shame, doubt, self loathing, you know stuff like that.

The wall got so high in front of me I became trapped behind it.

And I was glad because that wall seemed to protect me from ever getting hurt again, and I wouldn't have cared if I hid behind it for the rest of my days.

But

Deep down, as I held on desperately to the hand of Jesus, I knew that I had to find the pathway God had laid out before me.

And

I remembered the time, about fifteen years ago, that I had just finished speaking at a conference in Wales, when an old guy who had been saved during the Welsh revival in the twentieth century approached me at the end of the service. He had a word from God for me. He said this.

"You are going to hit a brick wall. It will come but God wants you to know he will get you past this wall and y.ou will find a glorious path once again."

Now, at the time I was in the midst of a really fantastic time in my ministry, we had planted Liverpool Boiler Room and I was fulfilled and happy seeing God touch lives and bring about transformation of an epic kind before my very eyes.

So I kind of filed the word away and forgot about it.

Until now.

I always thought that the wall would be built by others who hurt me and got in the way.

But

Hey

I never thought for one minute it would be me who built the wall myself.

But it was.

Once I understood that, through clinging to God, hitting the prayers like never before, and, keeping right on praying and reading scripture, even when I thought it was getting me nowhere, I began to see the obstacles that I had placed in my own way.

And

On new years day this year, I heard the voice of God.

He spoke a sentence so loud and clear I grasped it straightaway.

He said this.

"Get out of your own way."

I understood immediately.

And

I began to deconstruct the wall.

Brick by brick.

I took away the self pity and saw hope, I decided to stay so close to God that insecurity dissolved away, I forgave, I turned from a doubter to a believer, and many other things.

Eventually I have caught sight of the pathway that stretches out before me.

And

I have taken my first steps on to it.

And

Freedom had come.

So

I encourage this day anyone who is finding a resonance in this post.

I encourage you firstly to not run away from prayer but hit it harder. Secondly to take your focus of what others have done or are doing to you right now,  and look at what obstacles you may be setting down before yourself.

While you are building that wall, I guarantee you that it will not protect you, it will maybe give you a false sense of security, but it will also prevent you from finding the clear pathway God has planned for you, and all the joy that is waiting to be discovered there.

You may not feel free now.

But

I can testify to the fact that there is freedom for you.

Though the grace and mercy of a God who loves you no matter what through his son Jesus Christ.

Simple things

Paul breezed in exactly at 10am.

He starts his two hour shift straight away.

Today, he has to continue dismantling an old recliner chair that will be going to the recycling centre in due course.

Paul has some mental health issues and severe learning deficits.

But

Every Tuesday for the last twenty odd years he has attended St Paul's Centre to do his little job.

It was my privilege on Tuesday to take care of him for the morning.

I got out his mat that he kneels on and laid out some tools that he needs, a set of metal Allen keys and a few screwdrivers, then showed him which screws he needed to work on that morning. Once he was started he put his head down and worked for two hours solid.

As I watched him from time to time from my office that lies adjacent to where he works, I had this amazing flood of memories from the files stored deep in my memory of the hundreds of similar images from my ministry.

And

I had this real clarity about  how the simple things that we as the Church do to just help people along in their life journeys make such a massive difference in this world. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to spend the rest of my days just lavishing the love of Jesus on to the whosoever.

Simple things.

The pure and simple love of Jesus does not need Theology, doctrine and other intellectual fads to back it up or indeed make it work.

It's just.

Simple.

Paul has been given this opportunity that he may never have had if it wasn't for the simple love of Jesus. This love helps him to feel loved, useful and whole.

And

I watch him leave dead on 12 midday.

He leaves  laughing and muttering to himself, he seems content and satisfied.

It so reminded me on Tuesday of how much I was recapturing my sense of mission and purpose while I'm on this earth.

It may well be that I go back into my ministry soon.

It may well be,.

But

I don't think I've ever stopped really.

I was also reminded that we as a Church, are the whole body of Christ. His eyes, ears, his mouth.

And

It doesn't have to be intricate, brilliant Mission planning that will help us to touch lives in a profound way.

No

It's the simple things

Overcomer

Here I am

Sitting at a desk located in the upper rooms of an old Victorian Church in Crewe, England.

Behind my blue and uncomfortable old office chair is the most amazingly colourful stained glass window ever. It's a depiction of the scripture "Suffer the little children to come unto me", captured in superb dark greens, reds, yellows, golds and frosted clear glass. I am so blessed to be right here right now. The window was crafted back in 1910 and dedicated to some former vicar of this church at the turn of the twentieth century and projects the most vivid and colourful light shows daily onto my computer screens.

Today I am feeling optimistic.

I have no idea why.

I just do.

I haven't had that feeling you can sometimes get, that feeling that gives you a hunch something amazing is about to happen.

But

today?

I feel like light is shining on me, stoking the fire of my creative and visionary side.

My scripture this morning was simple.

"Build up, Build up! Prepare the road, remove the obstacles out of the way of my people!" (Isaiah 57:14)

Hey

I've been ready for sometime to hoist the sails on my ministry and let the breezes of the Spirit catch a hold of them and take me to where God would have me be for a time such as this, the here, the now.

But

There are obstacles.

I need finance for the vision God has laid on me and I have none! I am ready to write and know I need the time and space to allow the Spirit of God to take a hold of my heart, head, and my right hand to scribe the words that I know are bursting to flow outwards to those who need to hear them. I also am starting to fill up on speaking engagements which I have taken a back step from for the last year or so.

yet

There are things in the way.

Finance

Time

Space

Hey

But this scripture hit me like a thunderclap.

Build up, build up, prepare the road, remove the obstacles out of the way of my people!"

Yeah

Words direct from the heart of God.

I am challenged to day that I need to start building my ministry back up again.

And?

That God can remove the obstacles that get in the way of our forward path in life.

He sees the bigger picture

He can see right through the obstacle strewn pathways that so often make our lives not as effective as they could be.

So

Hey

let God take control.

Trust him with the bigger picture.

Whatever is stopping us from moving forwards? Start building for the future anyway and He will carve out your pathway, Shine light on it even.

Be encouraged today.

Be an over comer

Minimalistic Prayer

Minimalism

What does that word evoke within you?

I will tell you what it brings to my minds eye.

I see simplicity.

I see uncomplicated.

Christianity seems to be loaded with a complicated mess of theology, doctrines and opinions. There are complicated people out there with complicated minds, churning out complicated theories on every aspect of Christianity.

Prayer is one of those aspects.

The super spiritual among the Christian community love to do one of two things.

Relegate prayer to a bit of a necessary chore, thinking “A nice bit of ancient liturgy will cover it.”

Or overcomplicate it to the extent of mushing it up into a complicated theological crumpled mess, loading needless theories and jumped up theological opinions on to it.

So

Prayer then becomes a dry and insipid act.

Yeah

Come on now.

Admit it.

We have all been there!

I remember talking to a guy who had just sat through a church service for the very first time in his life.

We sat in a coffee bar afterwards slugging double expresso discussing what he thought of it.

The very first thing he said to me was this.

“I thought when you prayed you spoke to God?”

I asked him to expand on that statement.

He went on

“I never knew you just read it parrot fashion off a sheet, the same sheet they use every week I take it?”

I struggled not to laugh at this. as I knew it was true.

This guy was struggling to see how you could just pray the same thing week in week out when obviously we carry unique and individual situations into church with us.

He then said this.

“It’s way too complicated for me.”

Hey

Jesus knew about this back in the ancient day.

He said in a famous sermon he gave on a middle eastern hill one day, “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others, truly I tell you they have received their reward in full. But when you pray go into your room, close the door and pray to you father who is unseen and then your father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you. And when you pray do not keep on babbling like the pagans for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your father knows what you need before you ask him. This, then, is how you should pray;
Our Father in Heaven hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts, as we have also forgiven our debtors and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one.” (Matthew 6: 5-13)

The Lords prayer is a simple prayer.

It’s an example of how to pray simply.

Jesus doesn’t mean just say this prayer and you will be okay.

He is giving us an example how to be minimalistic in prayer but to the point.

There are all kinds of prayer, it says that in scripture, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” (Ephesians 6:18)

Prayer undoubtedly has many aspects especially in spiritual warfare and in life’s battles.

But essentially it is the lifeblood of a personal living relationship with God.

And as Jesus so eloquently says, it needs to be uncomplicated.

Minimalistic.

Free from babbling and show.

Prayer doesn’t need to be loaded with theology and classy rhetoric.

No

It needs to be loaded with innocence and authenticity and it should flow from one’s unique heart and from one’s personality.

I listened to someone in a service I was speaking at recently stand up and pray.

It was so lengthy and so complicated that firstly I lost the will to live so I turned to my phone to check the previous days football results, and secondly as this person said Amen, I felt in my spirit a certain smugness emanating from the person, so much so I heard the words in my mind “Pick the bones out of that one!” The person was almost triumphant in having delivered such a richly complicated prayer.

Bless them.

Hey

Prayer is our relationship with God.

So
it is better to be a simple conversation.

Us speaking to God and him Speaking to us.

Yes

We must pray into some serious stuff sometimes

But yeah

That doesn’t mean we have to complicate the prayer.

Even in the difficult aspects of prayer such as spiritual warfare doesn’t mean it requires complicated prayers.

Let's Unload our prayers.

Be simplistic about it.

Minimalize your personal prayer life. Not in terms of the amount you pray but be to the point in what you say.
Speak what you need, what you require, talk to God about everything.

Pray with all kinds of prayers and requests. Don’t wait until Sunday for the service either, God is always there.

Bring him into every aspect of our lives, the good and the bad bits and let him speak, listen to him, he won’t give you a complicated answer.

Prayer is so exciting.

Along with the word of God, it is the only thing that can bring life to your relationship with him.

Hey

Maybe it is the spark you have been missing?

End of life

These past three years I have found myself in world of end of life care.

I didn’t choose to be there.

I sort of just found myself there.

It started when I left Salvation Army Officership and sort of fell into a job with a funeral director in London.
The job turned into many things.

Cleaning funeral cars, funeral directing, coffin bearing, driving big expensive limousines, removing bodies from homes, crime scenes and other locations. Yet the thing I developed a real love for was dealing with bereaved families.

I was able to engage my experience of pastoral work along with my natural desire to help people in need.

This experience was honed over 20 years as a Senior Nurse and a further 16 years as a minister.

At the time I had in my head that this job was at it’s crudest level a means to an end, a fill-in to help get me over the sheer havoc that working for the Salvation Army had brought to my life.

But.

God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform.

I found the compassion for hurting people that is deep within my soul was being utilised, so much so that I found myself in the midst of the devastation of peoples loss. This place is a mission field that requires a deep compassion, a caring spirit, and a comforting presence. God is already in the spaces of peoples loss and hurt so it suddenly dawned on me that he had pulled me in to join him there.

Fast forward to right now.

In Two weeks’ time at Manchester Metropolitan University, I begin the short academic and practical course to regain my registration as a Registered General Nurse.

And

I will be doing my placement in a Hospice as I have decided to train to become an end of life specialist over the next few years.

A few people I have talked to about it say, “How could you deal with death every day?”

Do you know what? They are valid observations and concerns of course they are.

But.

My faith helps me to know that end of life care is just an earthly term and applies to the end of our existence on earth.

Yet.

My faith determines that it is nothing but a stage on an eternal journey.

So.

With that in mind I will be working not with death but with life abundant, and although a large part of my work as a nurse in end of life care will involve the absence of cure and healing as we know it in earthly terms, it will involve the beautiful administration of making people more comfortable as they reach the final stage of their life on earth.

Not only that.

It will also involve the privilege of being in the middle of peoples hurt, family members, friends and the like.

As if that decision wasn’t enough.

I had the great honour to be part of my own mothers death recently.

I always thought I would be absolutely devastated when my mum passed away.
Yet
I was blessed with a sense of utter peace and joy.

I felt a strength filling me from heaven.

My mum was the most beautiful person to me.

Yes she could drive me insane at times as she could be a bit feisty, and holding back what she thought at any given time wasn’t an option for her, but she was a mast in my life.

I miss her terribly of course. And I have learned that grieving involves many emotions that will be different to every single person.

But.

I am blessed with my faith to know that death was not the end, and for my mum it was the ultimate healing from all that life threw at her and somehow I feel even closer to her now.

This convinces me of the thin veil between that exists between earth and heaven.

This experience has strengthened my resolve to enter the world of end of life care with passion and strength to help others in their respective times of deep need.

And I get the distinct feeling that God has led me to this place.

I leave you with a short postscript.

For those dealing with bereavement just now I know how you feel from recent experience, But I challenge you today to grasp hold of the hope that faith brings and move on in your grief with all the love, memory and experience that a relationship with your loved one brings.

Carry all of that into your future with confidence.

Tiger

I looked into the face of a tiger.

Well

Not a real tiger.

A picture of one.

It had vibrant yellow eyes.

It was baring its teeth.

His face had a kind of "I am about to pounce on you" expression.

But

It made me smile.

Yeah

It really did.

My smile was unforced and came without me trying.

I have documented many times about the fight I had with immense inner turmoil.

Yeah

I'm truly happy to report.

I am out the other side.

I have finally stepped past the vicious tiger that stood in the way of me and my future.

The tiger in the room took many forms in my battle.

It fired stuff at me like, "You're not good enough",
Like how could anybody possibly like you", "you've got absolutely no chance of achieving that".

You know

All that Kings of rubbish.

But

That tiger in the room relentlessly made me retreat backwards into my miserable life.

Its been a long hard journey to step past that scary tiger.

But

I'm past it.

The thing is.

I now see possibilities instead of futile harbourings.

I now feel like I am walking forwards instead of retreating backwards.

Last week I spoke at a Church retreat, the first time I have done it for a while.

My goodness I felt clear.

I felt I have no baggage as I have laid it down.

I feel my creative writing has resurfaced from deep within me.

I feel like I am at the start of my life again.

I have a blank canvas ahead and I have plenty to write on it.

I resurrect my blog today in a new frame of mind.

And

I'm ready to write positive words for the glory of God.

God

Who

I give all the praise for bringing me through the worst ever period of my existence.

Watch this space

.

Reinvention

My coffee was hot, black, straight.

Just as I like it.

My view from the window of the coffee shop, trendily named ‘Smooth Dark Rest’, a coffee joint tucked away from the main drag of the City, was unrestricted. I could see the drab grey paving stones that formed the pavement, they were slick with rain. The sky was grey too, overcast and clogged up with shades of an even darker grey-green set of shadowy clouds that threatened torrential rain. The melancholy of the weather did nothing to bring calm to my troubled mind. It also actually pretty much described the way I viewed my life at that point in time. Dark, unsettled and a little bit miserable.

No

A lot miserable actually.

The main thrust of my state of mind was that I was sick of the person I had become.

My life had been reduced to an insular, almost reclusive existence.

Circumstances of my work had seen to that. Being involved in the Church had seen to that too. The very community that should have issued hope, only had served to rob me of any sense of life.

I carried a heavy weight around with me constantly, my head felt like it was just a single block of steel and my mood was one of self-pity, regret and despondency.

How I wished I had never been a Salvation Army Officer.

How I wished I had developed my nursing career and never gave it up.

The only thing that I could see that I had done right was to marry Dawn and take on a beautiful family.

These thoughts kind of constantly ate away at the core of my being.

I had become, cynical, defeatist, lethargic and convinced that this was it for me. This was the cards that life had dealt me and a 55 years of age I had little prospect of achieving any of the dreams and visions I once held close.

That morning in the Dark Smooth Rest, simply sipping my coffee and staring at the shining wet pavement something shifted in my head.
A vision burst forth!

I began to see a new world emerging from the blackness.

I saw in no uncertain terms in my minds eye the gifts that I have been given. My teaching skills, my relational skills, my speaking skills, my compassion for the less fortunate and the sick. I then began to see a person who I would like to be. Kind, care free, optimistic, loving, genuine and authentic.

I saw a person who loved life, who embraced all the good things that life offered. I saw a person who had no worries. I saw a person who had lost the heavy steel head and the heavy weights I had carried for so long had disappeared.
As I stared at the greyness of the day my body came alive with life.

I then heard words in my mind.

Well, a word actually.

Reinvention.

I thought it was a weird word to pop into my head.

But

I grasped it immediately.

That’s exactly what I needed.

Reinvention of me.

I needed a new identity.

I had lost any identity I had ever had.

I began to imagine what a new emerging Gary in a new emerging world would be like.

In that moment I desperately wanted to lose the Gary I had become, to leave him wallowing in misery in the Dark Smooth Rest Coffee Shop, and emerge into a new world full of hope and new vision.

And

I just decided

To do it.

I sat upright with my eyes wide open.

I said goodbye to the old Gary and walked out of the Smooth Dark Rest into an emerging new world.

The business of reinvention stated right then.

It meant taking an inventory of what I had become.

It was painful to write these things down.

Things that had shaped my life had to be removed.

But

The fresh excitement of taking on a new identity filled me with hope.

Suddenly a life that seemed dead in the water, reignited.

I began to see that at 55 I still had chance to change direction, to embrace a new future, to take back my dreams and visions.

So

I wanted to write this blog today to encourage anyone feeling lost in the greyness of life.

It’s not over

By any means.

It may seem like it.

But

It’s not over.

There is reinvention.

There is the chance to take a hold of that dream you have.

You just need to shift that old you out of the way.

Get out of your own way!!!

There is hope

There is a new identity waiting for you to grasp a hold of.

Take it.